


happy phantoms

by vvelna



Series: happy phantoms [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, F/F, Ghosts, Huddling For Warmth, Paranormal, Sharing a Bed, well not exactly a bed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-28
Updated: 2019-02-28
Packaged: 2019-11-07 04:44:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17953838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vvelna/pseuds/vvelna
Summary: Dan's flat is haunted, so she contacts a team of ghost removal experts.





	happy phantoms

**Author's Note:**

> this fic was written for the PFF femslash february fest

Ghosts weren’t real, but there was definitely one haunting Dan’s flat.  
  
It was more of a gut-feeling than a cerebral thought. Some inborn knowledge that pointed her to a diagnosis before she even began researching the symptoms. That’s how she found herself wrapped up in a blanket and bathed in the blue glow of her laptop screen at 3am on a Tuesday, composing an email to _Happy Phantoms: Ghost Removal Experts_.  
  
There were countless ghost hunting and paranormal investigation services that could be enlisted via the internet, but something about Happy Phantoms called out to Dan. The website was simple but polished, and easily navigable. As someone who did freelance web design work for a living, Dan appreciated that what it lacked in flair it made up for in usability. It was also utterly devoid of sensational language or spooky images. No gallery of orb photos and shadowy figures in windows, or pages dedicated to their scariest encounters. In fact, there weren’t really any stories at all. There was a page of testimonials—and all the reviews were positive—but the people didn’t go into great detail about what exactly the Happy Phantoms team had done.  
  
It was just:  
  
_…efficient and incredibly professional. They solved the problem in one night and I can finally sleep again…_  
  
_I endured years of torment before contacting Happy Phantoms. My only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner…_  
  
_DO NOT use any other service. Say no to charlatans!!! These are the real deal. That girl is something special. An angel of God for sure…_  
  
She scrolled through several pages of reviews and only found one that rated the service less than five out of five stars. A lone three star review. It was only one sentence.  
  
_Fixed the issue but I did not like them._  
  
If that was the worst there was, Dan would take her chances. She emailed them through the site’s contact form. It advised her to be as detailed as possible when describing the phenomena she was experiencing. She did her best not to leave anything out.  
  
She wrote about the acrid smell of spoiled milk and rancid butter that sometimes filled the flat for hours and then dissipated suddenly. And the shower that turned on in the middle of the night. She was sure she could hear crying being masked by the spray, but when she shut the water off, it was gone. When she stepped out of bed in the morning, the floorboards were sometimes so cold they seemed to burn her feet. She woke up in the middle of every night, face wet with tears for no discernable reason. She couldn’t remember any dreams, but there was a lingering feeling of being small and trapped. Stuck in something like a cage or a crib.  
  
And then there was the final straw that dismantled her walls of disbelief—the teeth marks. Not bites that broke the skin—just impressions. At first she just saw the ones on her forearm, and thought that she must have made them in her sleep. They quickly faded, as teeth marks tend to do. But the next day as she undressed and blearily regarded her reflection in the bathroom mirror, she noticed some marks on her stomach. Teeth marks in a place she could not bite herself. She emailed Happy Phantoms that night.  
  
After sending the email she sat and waited. She scrolled through her twitter feed, switching tabs to check for new emails every few minutes. There was no reason to expect a quick reply. Surely even ghost removal experts had business hours. She just didn’t want to close her laptop and be plunged into complete darkness. Or get up off the sofa and make her way to somewhere more sensible, like her bed.  
  
When a reply came through at 4:02am, she was relieved but more than a little surprised.  
  
_Hi Danielle!_  
  
_It certainly sounds like you have a ghost on your hands. But DON’T WORRY! I’m sure you’re not in any immediate danger. Most ghosts don’t want to hurt us. They’re usually not even aware of us at all. But it’ll be better for you AND the ghost if we relocate them somewhere else._  
  
_Our earliest availability is Thursday. We would come over in the afternoon and stay the night, and if the issue isn’t resolved, continue from there. Let me know if you’d like to book us then, and we can discuss further details. If Thursday doesn’t work for you, we can figure something else out!_  
  
_If you’re having trouble sleeping right now, I recommend putting a pot of hot water on the floor at the foot of your bed before you go to sleep. It sounds like maybe your ghost needs a hot bath. Insider secret ;)_  
  
_Thanks for getting in touch!_  
  
_Phyl_  
  
_Phyllis Lester_  
_Happy Phantoms: Ghost Removal Experts_  
  
Dan replied back immediately. Yes, she wanted to book them for Thursday. Thursday couldn’t come soon enough. Phyl responded back just as quickly. There would be an upfront nonrefundable scheduling fee, and then another payment to be made after services were “satisfactorily rendered.”  
  
Dan sent the first payment through PayPal without dwelling too long on whether the whole thing was a scam. What other options did she have? She couldn’t afford to end her lease early and find a new place to live. She didn’t have any friends in the area that she felt comfortable burdening with an extended-stay on their sofa. She sure as hell wasn’t going to leave London to spend time back home.  
  
She reread all the testimonials.  
  
_I physically felt the absence of the ghosts when they were done. I wept tears of joy knowing that my home and my life were mine again._  
  
_I still don’t know if I believe in ghosts, but whatever was wrong with me or my house is fixed so I don’t give a damn._  
  
_Super fast! Cured my terrible ghost problem in TWO days! Never going to some phony medium again. 100% recommend if you want RESULTS._  
  
Dan filled a pot with hot water and finally crawled into bed as the sun began to rise. She slept through to 2pm without waking once.  
  
*  
  
Dan paced back and forth in front of her door. It was almost 3pm on Thursday, and the Happy Phantoms team were due any minute. How did one greet people like that? Did you have to offer them a drink? Would they make her leave while they did whatever the hell they were going to do in her flat? Rob the place most likely. Maybe she should hide the valuables. No, they’d probably let her stay while they worked.  
  
She knew there were supposed to be three people. The woman who’d replied to her email, Phyl, and two men, James and Michael. Was she really going to invite two strange men claiming to be ghost experts into her flat while she was home alone? Apparently. The fact that a woman would be with them eased her apprehension a little. She knew that wasn’t entirely rational. Phyl seemed friendly enough in her correspondence, but that didn’t mean her presence was going to make the situation any safer.  
  
But it would all be fine. At the first sign of trouble, she’d dial 999. Or flee. Or make good use of whatever she could get her hands on. There was that fancy set of knives her father had given her last Christmas—never used and sitting in a wood block on the counter. But wasn’t it likely they could take the knife away and use it against her instead? Maybe she should hide the knives. She had a hammer. A rolling pin. But there were three of them and only one of her…  
  
There was a loud knock on the door and she just barely managed to suppress a scream.  
  
“Hello? It’s Happy Phantoms!”  
  
Dan rarely trusted her gut. It often led her astray. It regularly conspired with her brain to deplete her energy and replace it with a full-body despondency. Therapy, medication, and the sleep schedule she attempted to adhere to helped keep that in check. But she didn’t know what to do about ghosts, except to trust her instincts. She trusted Phyl. It could be a fluke, but the pots of hot water had worked their magic. She’d slept soundly and there was no sign of any teeth marks. So she abandoned all good sense and opened the door.  
  
“Danielle Howell? It’s so nice to meet you! I’m Phyl, this is James, and this is Michael.”  
  
Phyl was younger than Dan had expected. And beautiful. She had large blue eyes and shiny black hair cut in a bob with a side-swept fringe. She was tall like Dan, but somewhat thinner. They shook hands and hers was soft and smaller than Dan’s. She had a lovely smile and a cute, beaky nose.  
  
Dan told them all that they could just call her Dan. She shook hands with the men next. James and Michael were handsome, but in a bland sort of cookie-cutter way that rarely enticed her. She only had eyes for Phyl. She had a fleeting thought that Phyl must be some kind of enchantress bewitching her. That was the only explanation for how smitten she was already. Or it had just been a long time since she’d been in the presence of anyone she found attractive, and her brain was all mixed up from the haunting she’d been enduring for over a month. Regardless of the cause, she needed to snap out of her trance so they could get to it.  
  
She ushered the team further into her flat. James and Michael carried in a bunch of equipment—bulky black bags on their backs and in their hands, a tripod, and a metal box on a cart with wheels. Phyl carried a single backpack with a rolled-up sleeping bag strapped to it.  
  
Dan watched as they began to set up equipment in the middle of her lounge. A camera went up right by the door, pointing in toward the flat. All manner of mysterious electronics were strewn about.  
  
Phyl kicked off her shoes, then went and stood in the center of the room while James and Michael worked around her. She stared up at the ceiling and then slowly spun in circles. When she stopped spinning, she was facing the hallway that led to Dan’s bedroom and the bathroom.  
  
“The ghost is this way,” she said, speaking to Dan. “Do you mind if I go further?”  
  
“Uh, no, of course not. Go ahead.”  
  
Dan followed Phyl down the hall. She turned into Dan’s bedroom first. Dan wished she’d tidied up more. The room wasn’t a disaster, but one of her bras was balled up on the floor, and an empty crisp packet sat on the bedside table. It wasn’t even one of her pretty bras—just a ratty beige thing.  
  
Phyl lay down on the floor with one ear pressed to the boards.  
  
“So…how did you know the ghost was this way? Can you like, sense their energy or something?”  
  
Phyl sat up. “I can hear them. But they’re not in this room.”  
  
She stood up and walked across the hall to the bathroom.  
  
“This is it. They’re loudest in here.”  
  
Dan couldn’t hear a thing, except the murmur of voices coming from the lounge. Phyl pulled back the shower curtain and stepped into the bathtub.  
  
“Are they…talking to you?”  
  
Phyl shook her head and started running her hands over the walls. God, Dan should’ve cleaned the bathroom. The surface was probably slimy and gross.  
  
“They’re not speaking; it’s more like they’re singing. But with emotions instead of words. I can feel the vibrations.”  
  
She turned and smiled at Dan. Dan smiled back automatically. She had no idea what was going on.  
  
“This one was really easy to find! We’re lucky. If all goes well I can probably get it out by morning.”  
  
“Well, I’m happy to hear that. But how? And who is it? Like, can you tell whose ghost it is?”  
  
Phyl got out of the tub, wobbling ungracefully on her gangly legs. She sat on the edge and peeled off her mismatched socks.  
  
“Sorry; they’re wet.”  
  
“It’s fine.”  
  
Dan sat on the lid of the toilet so she was facing Phyl.  
  
“I think it’s either a baby or a small animal. Or possibly both.”  
  
“Both?”  
  
“Yeah…ghosts aren’t really separate, distinct entities. They kind of overlap. Intermingle. Whatever this one is—it’s just lost and scared.”  
  
“Okay…but what are you going to do?”  
  
“I need to draw it out and get it into the buggy. That’s the box on wheels you might have seen. Once it’s in there, we can relocate it somewhere else. Somewhere safe without too much human interference.”  
  
She placed a hand on her chest, over her heart.  
  
“I’ve got to carry it in my body before I can put it in there though.”  
  
That sounded awfully dangerous to Dan. Like some kind of possession. Dan barely knew Phyl, but she couldn’t help but feel deeply concerned on her behalf. What if Phyl was wrong, and it wasn’t a little baby ghost, but some kind of evil demon just pretending to be harmless? That’s the way it always happened in movies. Except this wasn’t a movie, and Phyl had apparently survived this shit before. Dan tried to be optimistic.  
  
“What’s with all the equipment, then?”  
  
“Oh, that’s just…James and Michael are trying to collect hard evidence of the existence of ghosts. So they record and film stuff, check temperatures. That kind of thing.” She waved her hand dismissively. “In my opinion it’s all pointless. It doesn’t work like that. But I feel safer having other people with me when I go into strangers’ homes, and they’re nice guys.”  
  
She frowned then, looking down at the floor and crossing her arms over her chest.  
  
“We used to have another person. Anja. But she quit a few months ago. If she was here I’d have her stay with me and make sure everything was okay…it’s kind of scary sometimes, when the guys are in another room and I’m all alone with the ghost all night. They won’t come in here because—”  
  
“I’ll stay with you,” Dan interrupted. She couldn’t imagine curling up in her bed while Phyl sat alone in the bathroom, inviting a ghost into her body. What kind of bullshit was that?  
  
“Really?” she said, sounding so surprised it made Dan’s heart ache. “No one ever wants to.”  
  
“Yeah, of course. I’ll be here. I’m not gonna let you have all the fun.”  
  
Phyl giggled and leant back. She lost her balance and fell into the tub.  
  
“Shit! Are you okay?”  
  
Dan jumped up and hurried over. Phyl’s legs were sticking up and dangling over the edge of the bathtub, the rest of her flat on the bottom. She smiled sheepishly at Dan.  
  
“I’m fine!”  
  
Dan grabbed her hands and helped her up. Yeah, no way she was going to let Phyl deal with anything alone.  
  
*  
  
They ordered an Indian takeaway and sat around the coffee table in Dan’s lounge. James and Michael lectured Dan on important ghost matters like EVP, cold spots, and electromagnetic fields. Dan nodded along while Phyl rolled her eyes and smiled at her from behind their backs.  
  
When they finished eating, they turned on the TV and watched home renovation shows. Phyl and the guys introduced Dan to a game they called “Where’s the Ghost?” which involved determining which room in the houses on screen would be best for a ghost to inhabit. The arguments in favor of each room weren’t based on any logic; the goal was just to be funny and convincing and get everyone to agree that your idea was best.  
  
The last thing Dan had expected when she hired a team of paranormal experts was that she’d be sitting around with them surrounded by empty food containers, laughing uncontrollably. She’d expected flickering lights and ominous chanting. Maybe some kind of weird incense and circles of candles. Instead she got Phyl cracking up and leaning into her shoulder, making her blush. She felt at ease in her flat for the first time in a while.  
  
The fun ended around 10pm. It was time to go into full ghost-extraction mode. Extraction—that’s what James and Michael called it. Dan noticed Phyl only ever referred to it as “relocation.”  
  
They unrolled sleeping bags—the men in the living room, Phyl on the bathroom floor. Dan brought in a bunch of blankets and pillows and joined Phyl. They rolled the buggy over and left it right outside the closed bathroom door. Phyl set up a small lamp with a red bulb. They sat cross-legged on the blankets, facing each other with the red light between them.  
  
“I’m not going to sleep, but it’s nice to be cozy anyway,” said Phyl.  
  
“I’m not going to sleep either, if you aren’t,” Dan insisted.  
  
“Thank you,” said Phyl, so sincerely that Dan felt her face heating up again. She was glad the red light was there to mask her pink cheeks.  
  
It also made Phyl look a bit sinister and devilish, but Dan trusted her. Phyl’s presence was probably the only reason Dan hadn’t freaked out yet. They were actually getting down to business, and she was anxious. Despite being an avowed skeptic, Dan had always been afraid of the dark and the supernatural horrors that supposedly hid within it. But she was with Phyl, and Phyl didn’t seem bothered.  
  
“So, what happens now? Can you hear the ghost?”  
  
“Hmm…not really. I can feel something, but it’s very faint. We just have to wait. Then we’ll see how it affects me and I can formulate a plan.”  
  
“Affects you?”  
  
“Yeah. Sometimes ghost are too loud and they give me a headache. Sometimes I get a fever or I sneeze a lot. On the rare occasions I’ve been in the presence of truly angry, hateful ghosts, I’ve even been sick. I think the worst was one time I had a seizure. We had to give up and come back another night.”  
  
Dan must have looked as absolutely horrified as she felt, because Phyl rushed to reassure her.  
  
“But nothing like that is going to happen tonight! I promise! I would have felt it before we got to this point. I bet this’ll just be a sneezy kind of night.”  
  
She reached across to pat Dan’s knee. Dan wanted to grab her hand and keep it there, to squeeze it and know that everything was okay, but she didn’t. Phyl smiled and drew back.  
  
“And you’ll be perfectly safe, okay? I’m not going to let anything happen to you.”  
  
Dan nodded, even though her heart was hammering in her chest.  
  
“Okay.”  
  
*  
  
They didn’t wait around in silence. Phyl said there was no point in doing that if the ghost was inactive. So they talked. Phyl had a plethora of ridiculous childhood stories at the ready. Some relating to ghosts, like the ones that had haunted her childhood bedroom, but most not. In exchange, Dan offered up tales of some of her most embarrassing teenage moments.  
  
Around 11:30, Phyl shivered and wrapped her arms around herself.  
  
“It’s a bit chilly in here.”  
  
Dan frowned. She didn’t feel chilly at all. It was a warm, early summer night.  
  
“I feel fine. Is it the ghost?”  
  
“Maybe,” said Phyl, rubbing her arms. “I’m starting to hear something. It’s like a very low whine.”  
  
Dan grabbed a blanket and scooted around till she was sitting next to Phyl. She wrapped the blanket around Phyl’s shoulders and sat close to her, hoping maybe her own body heat would help.  
  
“Oh, good idea,” said Phyl. “We can huddle like penguins to stay warm.”  
  
Dan laughed and tentatively put an arm around Phyl’s shoulder. She was properly shivering now.  
  
“I already told you I’m not cold. But sure, we can be penguins together.”  
  
Phyl snuggled in closer and laid her head on Dan’s shoulder. Dan’s heart skipped a beat and she chastised herself for her reaction. It was not the time for getting flustered over close contact with a pretty girl. Not when she could feel Phyl shaking. She searched under the blanket for one of her hands and took it in her own. It was ice cold.  
  
“Oh. It’s g-get-ting louder now,” said Phyl, her teeth chattering. Dan didn’t know people’s teeth actually did that.  
  
“What’s it saying?” she asked, even though Phyl had already told her the ghosts didn’t really say anything in words.  
  
“Cold. The g-ghost is c-cold. S-scared.”  
  
Dan was scared too. What was she supposed to do if things got worse and something happened to Phyl? Should she get James and Michael? Call an ambulance? Phyl had told her while they were setting up in the bathroom that they shouldn’t open the door until the job was done—unless there was an emergency. But what counted as an emergency?  
  
“Can you get in the sleeping bag?” she asked, trying to stay calm and collected. “I think that’ll help keep you warm.”  
  
Phyl nodded and Dan unzipped it for her. Phyl wiggled inside. She was still shivering though.  
  
“C-could you…?”  
  
“Yeah. Move over.”  
  
Dan slid into the sleeping bag behind Phyl and wrapped her arms around her. They lay like that in silence, until Phyl stopped shaking. Her breathing evened out and Dan found herself breathing in time with her.  
  
“You’re so warm.”  
  
“Yeah…are you okay?”  
  
“I still feel a little cold. But it’s not so bad. Sorry you had to do this.”  
  
“Don’t be,” Dan said, a little more intensely than necessary.  
  
Phyl’s hair smelled like strawberries. It was soft where it was tickling Dan’s nose. She seemed tiny in Dan’s arms. Delicate. Now that her fear of Phyl possibly freezing to death had subsided, Dan was acutely aware of the intimacy of the situation. She was zipped up in a sleeping bag on a bathroom floor, spooning a girl she’d just met. A girl who was not only beautiful but whose personality she had taken a strong liking to.  
  
If Phyl was bothered, she didn’t let on. Dan was about to ask if Phyl wanted her to get out of the sleeping bag, when Phyl suddenly unzipped it herself and hastily crawled into the tub.  
  
“Hey! What the fuck—”  
  
“Shhh! Let me listen!”  
  
Dan sat up and watched as Phyl pressed her ear to the floor of the tub, right by the drain.  
  
“They know I’m here,” she said softly. “I think they’re ready to go.”  
  
Dan felt herself getting frantic again. Was she going to see the ghost? What was it going to do?  
  
“Okay, okay! What now?”  
  
“Turn on the light and open the door,” said Phyl, and then she sat up and turned the shower on.  
  
Dan sat transfixed for a moment, watching Phyl in the glow of the red light. Her face was tilted upward, being pelted by the water. She had her hands out in front of her, palms up.  
  
Dan snapped out of it and went to flip the light switch and open the door. The buggy was waiting outside, its box open. When she turned back around, Phyl was standing outside the bathtub.  
  
She was soaking wet, dripping water onto the floor. Her expression was blank and her eyes were clouded over with white. She started purposefully walking toward the door. Dan had to step out of the way. Phyl knelt down in front of the buggy and stuck her head inside the metal box.  
  
There was an awful high-pitched sound then that even Dan could hear. She didn’t know if it was a ghost or something else. It wasn’t a voice or even a scream. It was like a ringing in her ears but ten times as piercing. She grit her teeth, clapped her hands over her ears, and closed her eyes.  
  
When the sound cut out she opened them again. Phyl was sitting on the floor, head hanging forward, breathing heavily. The box was closed.  
  
Dan sank down beside Phyl and put a hand on her back.  
  
“Are you alright?”  
  
She looked up and smiled. “Yes! We did it!”  
  
*  
  
Phyl warned Dan not to touch the box; the metal was very hot. Dan fetched some dry clothes for her and stood outside the bathroom while she changed. Phyl emerged looking offensively adorable in one of Dan’s hoodies. She’d towel-dried her sleek bob into a fluffy black nest of hair that Dan wished she had a reason to pet.  
  
In the lounge they found James and Michael sound asleep.  
  
“Useless men,” Phyl whispered in Dan’s ear, and they both fought to suppress their laughter.  
  
Dan checked her phone. Somehow it was nearly 2am. How could they have been in the bathroom that long? She wondered if something to do with the ghost had caused the distortion in her sense of time. She made a mental note to ask Phyl about it sometime later.  
  
Later? Her heart sank. The job was done. The Happy Phantoms team was going to pack up and leave, ghost in tow. Dan would pay them and never see Phyl again.  
  
Phyl yawned loudly.  
  
“Maybe you should get some sleep,” Dan murmured, glancing at James and Michael to see if the noise had woken them. Nope. They were still dead to the world.  
  
She took Phyl by the shoulders and started to steer her back down the hall.  
  
“Maybe you should get some sleep,” Phyl retorted.  
  
“You can have the bed,” Dan continued, pushing her into the bedroom.  
  
“It’s a big bed,” Phyl said, turning around to face her. “We both fit in a sleeping bag. I’m sure we can make do here?”  
  
She said it like a question and waited for a response, eyes searching Dan’s face.  
  
“You know, I think you’re right.”  
  
They crawled into bed. They weren’t cuddled together, but they weren’t far apart either. Dan didn’t feel the slightest bit of tension. It felt perfectly natural to be lying in bed with Phyl, as if she’d done it countless nights before. Some part of her almost believed she had—that they’d met in some other universe or some past life. She was clearly too mentally exhausted to think straight.  
  
Dan fell asleep within minutes.  
  
*  
  
The van was loaded up. Services had been satisfactorily rendered. Happy Phantoms was ready to hit the road.  
  
Phyl told Dan they were going to take the ghost to “a nice woodland” and release it there.  
  
“It’s an area that doesn’t see many humans. I think they’ll be happy there. They might make a home in a tree. Or join a troupe of ghost badgers.”  
  
Dan shook hands with James and Michael. She thanked them for whatever it was they’d done. They got in the van, leaving her standing alone with Phyl.  
  
There was a lump in her throat. She didn’t know what to say. Phyl stepped forward and enveloped her in a tight embrace.  
  
She whispered in her ear, “Thanks for your help, Dan. I had fun.”  
  
She pressed a piece of paper into Dan’s hand, and then she was stepping back and waving. Dan waved back mechanically, frozen to the spot. Phyl got in the van.  
  
Dan wanted to say something more, but all she could manage was “Bye! Thank you!”  
  
She watched them drive away and went back inside. Up the stairs, into her flat, to the bedroom. She flopped face-first onto the bed. She lay there for a few minutes, trying to think of something—anything—to distract herself from the wave of misery washing over her. Then she remembered the piece of paper still balled-up in her fist.  
  
She sat up slowly and uncrumpled it.  
  
_Dan,_  
  
_If you’re ever looking for a job, I’d love to have you on our team. And even if you aren’t you should text me anyway._  
  
_Phyl_  
  
There was a little heart next to her name, and a phone number written beneath it.  
  
Dan squealed and dipped forward, burying her face in her pillow. Then she sat up and grabbed her phone off the bedside table.

 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!
> 
>  
> 
> [ reblog on tumblr ](https://velvetnautilus.tumblr.com/private/183124187570/tumblr_pnnltsNxqx1wm9q5f)


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